–From a Certain Point of View, ”An Incident Report" by Mallory Ortberg
“It must, however, be pointed out that at present the number of planets destroyed solely by the unaided power of the Force is zero.”
MOTTI JUST DRAGGED THE FUCK OUT OF VADER I AM FUCKING LIVING
“I imagine Lord Vader would have had to stand very close to the planet Alderaan indeed today if he wanted to demonstrate how thoroughly his Force-wielding abilities outmatch the Death Star.”
THIS ASSHOLE IS GOING TO DIE, BUT IT WILL BE IN SERVICE OF THE MOST GLORIOUS DRAGGING OF VADER I HAVE EVER SEEN.
“I merely spoke the truth: Lord Vader’s devotion to a nearly extinct faith has not resulted in the recovery of the stolen data tapes, nor has it given him insight into the rebels’ secret base, nor has he ever destroyed a planet.”
“He found my lack of faith disturbing? I have never claimed to be an adherent to his sect. I found his lack of faith in this military installation disturbing.”
MOTTI IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE IN A SPACE DITCH WHERE VADER DUMPS HIS BODY BUT HOLY SHIT HE WENT OUT LIKE A GODDAMNED LEGEND
honestly if you wouldn’t bond with a symbiote you’re a fucking idiot, like you get unbelievably powerful and sexy and all you have to do is what? not go in fire or listen to noises that sound bad? newsflash idiot i already dont go in fire or listen to noises that sound bad. dumbass. you gotta eat some living flesh once in a while? whatever dude easy shit
you dont even need to do that its canon that the symbiotes just need one chemical from people and its also found in chocolate so you get to be huge and sexy and eat a bunch of chocolate
basing a foreign speaker’s intelligence on how fluent they are in a foreign language is so ignorant
As my dad always says, “Anyone who speaks with an accent knows one more language than you.”
A guy at work once told me “it’s like I’m shuffling through all the words I know in English, and I can’t find the one for this object. I know what the object is, but I don’t know how to say it.”
He was my boss and he always sounded so well spoken, that this confession made me realize why he was so “thoughtful” when speaking.
I want to tell you I love you so badly, but I’m scared.
Whenever I feel like I don’t have the energy to do something or to finish with my work, I like to imagine Obi-Wan’s voice saying things like “it’s okay, my dear, you can do it” or “just keep trying, darling, just finish this task and you can rest”. And honestly, I don’t know if that’s normal, but it really helps!
I really can understand that. All my family is very religious and I know that if they knew that I’m bi I would be kicked out of home or get punishment. That’s why I’m so open here, this is a place where I can share who I am and don’t get hate for it.
But even though I live with my very religious family, I kind of love that they’re not too informed about LGBT+ things bc I can “secretly” wear my bi necklace, or have bi colors as background in our laptop, or just make puns that they don’t understand. I always try to look for the positive side of things and at least with this, it works!
Fox, bored: What’s the best thing your Jedi’s ever done for your troops?
Ponds: Windu divvies out the stipend he gets as a general to the rest of us so we can actually afford to buy stuff.
Bly: General Secura puts her silly unarmored self between us and harm even when our armor could block whatever it is. I appreciate the sentiment though. Even if it meant having to CARRY HER BACK TO MEDICAL.
Rex, taking a shot: Mine goes on mission without taking any troopers sometimes. And helps fix up the ships.
Monnk: General Fisto used the Force to keep my guys from drowning.
Wolffe: General Plo helped us rearrange our ships’ quarters to be more comfortable and made it part of the battalion’s regs so the natborns couldn’t change it if he had to temporarily give up command of us.
Cody: One time Kenobi tripped over his own lightsaber and fell off a ledge, got hung up by his robes, and needed to be rescued by rocket troopers. Morale was through the roof after my helmet cam footage circulated.
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