Thank you I’m crying

letitrainathousandflames:

Tup’s journal, retrieved by captain Rex before his disappearance. Added to the Clone Army Files by General Leia Organa.

I think the scholars call them “invasive thoughts”. That moment when your brain think of something absolutely despicable, something horrifying, something that should not be in your head at all, ever, but it’s there and it scares you.

I shouldn’t even be writing about this. It could lead to an investigation that would certainly end up with the kaminoans decommissioning me. I don’t want to be seen as a traitor, like… like my batch brother Dogma.

But I need to tell someone about it or I’ll go crazy. Crazier. Am I crazy already?

I’ve been having recurring dreams of the jedi, especially our general, Skywalker and the 212th’s general, Kenobi. In the dreams, they betray us. They turn around and start killing my vode, my brothers. The jedi march towards us, dark silhouettes with blades of a blinding blue light, cutting us one by one. So we fight back. We shoot them, we fire our blasters at our generals, the people we swore to obey and protect.

We kill the Jedi.

I would have these dreams on occasion, and I would wake up drenched in a cold sweat, feeling nauseous and disgusted at myself. I’ve never told anyone, not even my batch brothers. How would they feel about it? Dogma would probably shoot me on the spot. Traitor, he would say.

The dreams have gotten so much worse since Umbara. Since I actually saw a Jedi cut my brothers down, break their bones and laugh about it. Sometimes I see Skywalker laugh in my dreams as he kills my brothers. It makes me so angry. It’s my mission, to kill him. I press my blaster to his chest and fire without an ounce of regret. I feel a brutal sense of righteousness as he collapses, dead. Then I wake up and taste bile at the back of my throat.

I want to tell Fives about it. He’s my best friend. He trusts me. But if I do tell him, he will… I can’t. I don’t want to be decommissioned, I don’t want to die.

The mission in my dreams is not real. It never will be. Why do I keep seeing it? I would never kill a Jedi. They’re our leaders, our generals. Why do I keep seeing it? Why? Am I defective? I don’t want to be defective, I just want to do my duty, to honor my code, to protect my brothers.

Please, I don’t want to be defective.