So I found out a few months ago that wanting to ‘not exist’ or wishing you could ‘just sleep forever’ is also considered suicidal (specifically suicidal idealization). It shocked me cause I used to think that way when I was younger but had previously thought that being suicidal meant explicitly wanting to die.. but it actually involves wanting to not live too.
I think its an important thing to note cause it might allow someone to realize the severity of their condition earlier.
This was the funniest thing to me. Because I was talking to a counselor, and they were like “Are you suicidal?”
“No not really. But sometimes I don’t want to exist though”
“You do know that’s suicidal ideation?”
“…what?”
I wish I kind of knew before. Like honestly, we know so little about mental health.
grievous is dead. dooku is dead. the cold air of utapau rattles through his helmet filters, burning his lungs and throat for the chill of it. around him, there are blaster bolts, cries of pain, the cliffs shaking underneath their boots, caked in red dust.
he has a lightsaber in his hand.
( not for the first time. it almost hit him in the head, dropping from above, this time ‘round, and he eyes the edge contemplatively, considering just tossing it over into the rock pools of water below. watching it fall. )
he looks out over the battlefield.
there are broken bodies, his brothers bright casts of white across the red landscape. kenobi had come charging through some of them earlier, on his dragonmount, and the mount had sent troops flying off the edge as it ran through them.
one of them hadn’t made it. obi-wan didn’t even mention their passing.
cody is a strategist, and sees the bigger picture, sees that they’re pushing the enemy back, another gunship dropping in, the lasers working to take out some of the spider droids they’re dealing with.
something tells him now is the time. he is marshall commander, the highest ranking clone in the gar, and it was agreed that he was the only one who could organize something like this. he gives one look more to the battlefield, and presses a code into his wrist comm.
‘ this is commander cody, ‘ he says, and in every active clone’s helmet, his voice echoes. ‘ it’s time. it’s time. ke narir haar’ke’gyce rol’eta resol. ‘
his comm clicks off, just in time, obi-wan’s dragonmount skittering up to cody, obi-wan looking weary, but forcing a grin, calling down to the commander, and cody pulls off his helmet, approaching him.
‘ commander! send your men to the higher … ‘ it doesn’t matter what he’s saying, and cody revels, almost, in just … not listening. it’s not important that he listens. ‘ cody? are you alright? ‘
he takes another step forwards, obi-wan’s lightsaber concealed in his hand, and presses it, unignited, to the dragonmount’s ribs, under the crook of its shoulder, and activates it. it dies without ceremony, crumpling under kenobi, who looks at cody as if he’s gone mad.
‘ hands in the air, sir, ‘ cody says calmly, and does what he had wanted earlier, and just tosses kenobi’s lightsaber over the edge. ‘ we don’t want to hurt you if we don’t have to. ‘
around them, there’s a cli-click-click-ck, of several guns being cocked, a circle of troopers surrounding obi-wan, who slides off the side of the mount, eyes darting back and forth, like he had added two and two and five had come out. ‘ commander, what is this? ‘
‘ you killed grievous. ‘
‘ yes, ‘ kenobi says, slowly.
‘ the war will be over in – weeks at most. days, at least. tell me, kenobi, ‘ cody says, and lifts his chin, an expression of almost serenity shining through jango fett’s face. ‘ what do you think happens to us, when the war ends? ‘
there were protests, of course. had been, since the beginning of the war. anti-clone protesters, who argued that if the clones and droids were both disposed of, the two sides could come to a peace so much more easily.
‘ i don’t know, commander, ‘ kenobi says. ‘ lower your gun. that’s an order. ‘
cody grins.
‘ we have our own, now. order sixty-six. if the war ends, the senate will do their best to forget us. if we want to be free, this is the only chance we get. we don’t want to kill you, but if we have to? we would. ‘ upon seeing kenobi’s betrayed look, he adds: ‘ how many of us might as well have died at your hands, sir? ‘
‘ very well, commander, ‘ obi-wan says, slowly, eyes not leaving cody’s face. ‘ i surrender. are you going to cuff me? ‘
‘ no, ‘ cody says. he knows kenobi too well. in a cell or tied up, he’ll be out in the blink of an eye, and a wave of blue stun blasts ripples through the circle of troopers, obi-wan’s body crumpling to the ground, unceremoniously. like a clone.
cody looks down at his general.
‘ get him in one of the gunships. move the tanks to the higher levels. we’ll finish this fight and then begin the negotiations. ‘
I used to think I’d never let myself get into a long distance relationship. Right up until I realised I was falling in love with my best friend, half a world away, and there was nothing I could do about it.
executive dysfunction is telling yourself for two and a half hours that you need to shower bc you smell like your workplace and you absolutely Cannot do Anything Else until you shower, doing Any Other Thing before showering is illegal!!! but you still haven’t for some reason??? you’ve just been sitting on your bed in a towel scrolling tumblr for 2+ hours thinking “I need to shower right now immediately” and growing increasingly frustrated that you are still not clean and you haven’t eaten or done your laundry either
ok actually no I’m reblogging this because a) I am clean now (and I smell amazing, thank you), and b) I had a heckin Realize and I wanted to share it with y’all in the hopes it’ll help someone else with a brain like mine.
I figured something out about myself a long time ago– it’s only just now occurred to me that I was in fact solving a problem caused by executive dysfunction, and I haven’t been implementing this solution lately because my brain went “that’s a relatively new term to me and therefore a Different problem that requires a Different solution”. thanks a lot, brain.
anyway, long long ago, before I knew these fancy schmancy Official words, the problem, as I phrased it to myself, was such:
sometimes I get Stuck. I was doing something, or on my way to doing something, and then… I just. got stuck.
“Stuck” looks like refreshing my feed or dashboard repeatedly. or it looks like staring at a spot on the wall. or chewing my fingernails. or picking at a stubborn sticker. all the while, my brain drifts through various unrelated topics I wouldn’t be able to recall if asked. sometimes I can get Stuck for hours before realizing I am Stuck. sometimes I get so Stuck that I go to bed that way (feeling especially bad for being unproductive) and I have to just reset everything by sleeping.
one day I asked myself, “why is this happening? why am I stuck, right now, at this moment in time?” the answer, as it turns out, was pretty simple: I was trying to make a decision, and I got distracted. I haven’t moved forward because I haven’t answered that one question or made up my mind.
let me rephrase this in terms of executive dysfunction: many people have expressed that it feels like knowing you need to do a thing but not feeling “ready” to do it. many with ADHD may also be familiar with the feeling of needing things to be “just so” before you embark on a task- you need your setup to look a certain way, or you need to set a timer, or have the right music playing, etc.
when I get Stuck it’s often because I got lost somewhere in that setting-up process, and my brain took the opportunity to nyoom off into Distraction Town.
getting myself Unstuck is solved, 95% of the time, by tracing my steps back to the original decision I was trying to make- often something small and inane- and then troubleshooting from there. (out loud! verbal processing is totally punk.)
“what was I trying to do?”
“was I trying to decide between two things?”
(the answer’s usually yes.)
“what were they?”
“okay, let’s decide.
“okay, that’s settled. let’s move on.”
and then I am free as a bird to nyoom in the direction of The Thing I Wanted To Do All Along, in the amazingly disorganized, scattered, yet rapid-fire way that I do many things.
so!!! in the case of my first post, where I hadn’t showered for 2 hours? turns out I had been trying to decide what music to listen to in the shower. (another hack: my chances of getting Stuck while showering decrease by 75% if I have music playing to help me keep track of time.) I couldn’t immediately make up my mind, got lost in thought, got distracted, and drifted. once I stopped and asked- “why am I stuck?”- then I remembered- “oh yeah! I wanted to listen to music”- and then decided- “I want to listen to Daft Punk’s Discovery album”- I was finally heckin able to shower. and also eat, and also throw my clothes in the dryer.
and may I add I only zoned out once, during the slow part of “One More Time.” 😛
I’m not saying this is a foolproof method. sometimes I don’t have a reason for being stuck, and that’s okay! I’m also not saying this is how every adhd brain works. it’s just how my brain works, and I’m sure there’s at least a few who can relate. for those few, I hope this helps!!
this is very helpful! phrasing it as “stuck” makes a lot of sense and gives a name to that horrible abstract feeling
I don’t
think Jango knew about the truth purpose of the chips. I don’t remember ever
reading about it so I could be wrong, but, imo, it doesn’t make much sense for
Dooku to share all his plans with one of his pawns. Jango was picked for his ability
to kill Jedi and he knew his clones would eventually do just that but I’m not
sure he knew about the chips or how it would all work out.
Jango knew
they clones would be used to destroy the Jedi order so I don’t think lies such “we
just want to make them less violent” would be necessary or even believably to
his ears.
AU where Rex deserts the night Fives is killed. Like, he
doesn’t even know how to make sense of it but he has the unyielding urge to leave. He has no bags, no
materials no money—nothing. He tells Anakin that he needs a breath of fresh air,
he’d been in that warehouse for hours, even after Fives’ body was taken away. So
he steps out, takes a deep breath and keeps walking. Every bone in his body is
telling him to go back, but he can’t. And again, Rex has nothing, not a credit
to his name but he doesn’t care. He just needs to leave. When he gets a few
feet away he can hear Anakin questioning the others (“How long has Rex been
out? I need him here”) and he almost turns
around. But he figures that Anakin would be able to tell something was off
about him. That Anakin would see the emotional strain in his eyes and further
speculate why Rex was hundreds of feet away from the warehouse. Then what would
Anakin do? Would he report him to the Kaminoans, would Rex be “terminated”
then? So turning back wasn’t an option, not now. So Rex runs. There is a fear
he’s never felt before yet an excitement. These past few days have been hell
for him. He’s lost Fives and he blames Anakin. Anakin went above and beyond to
save his Padawan, but could barely bat an eye at Fives. It was Anakin’s ignorance
that killed Fives, and Rex finally accepts that his general never cared about
he and his brothers as much as he did Ahsoka, Obi-Wan or Senator Amidala. The clones were his tools to fight in a war, and Rex refuses to take part in it anymore.
So he runs until the warehouse is out of sight. He runs until he gets to the
lower decks of Coruscant and works from there until he can leave the planet. He
has no plan after that, doesn’t even know where he’s going—but he’s happy and
at peace. He knows this is what Fives would want; it’s what Rex wants and he finally has control of
his life.
Jesse finishes unpacking the last box. It’s not hard: the last was also the first. Clones don’t really get possessions, after all. He looks around the house. He shifts from side to side. Ostensibly this world is peaceful.
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